There is individuality, solitude, isolation, and being separated or disconnected.  There is the intriguing desire of most humans to spend quality time by themselves..for their own self, their thoughts, their dreams.  During these times, secrets are allowed to roam free.  Deep secrets, bad secrets, thoughts about others, about themselves, bad thoughts, good thoughts.  All with one thing in common which is that no one else knows of their existence, and so lies the argument for the apparent necessity of "alone time."  People need to find themselves, figure things out. Their minds cook up a wonderful feast of memories. Some are vivid and true down to the last detail, but some are broken and seemingly forgotten. These half memories are the most dangerous of all. The mind fills in the gaps, creates memories that weren't there and soon thoughts are planted into peoples heads that seem a little off and yet seem so real, they must be true.  A small point exaggerated, a little action misunderstood and now everything is different. 

     Do the many memories always result in variations of the truth? No. Is it always bad? No. Figuring things out without others to cloud the many thoughts allows for clarity and organization.  Separating your own thoughts from others, the good from the bad, the reasonable and unreasonable.  Finding yourself brings assurance in who you are and what you do, confidence in knowing the difference between yourself and others and peace in knowing that through it all you will always have the one person who has always been and will always be there right where you are and that is yourself. 

     And yet, despite the great results, people want it all.  They want to be able to have this time for themselves but also a few best friends or many good friends and acquaintances, they want to have a family, they want to laugh, enjoy the company of others, be invited to the events, and they want others to want their friendship in the same way.  Deep down, people want the warm feeling of being loved especially by those they love the most, and being cared for even when they are by themselves. 

     With all that said, what is the purpose of all of this? Whether or not this is relevent or ties in to the above comments, is completely in the reader's discretion. Whatever your thoughts are at this point, the message lies in this final thought, the thought that was in my head when writing started and the one that remains most prominent even after all the contemplations and the considerations.  That is that, in the end (whether you prefer quality time with yourself, or the company of others at all times, or both) the worst place to be, the worst feeling, is alone.  Not alone with no others around you, not alone when your family is gone, not even alone when people stop caring about you.  Alone so much so that even yourself, your heart, and what your mind truly knows have also left you. Left with only broken memories and wrongfully filled in gaps.  Alone despite the moments you continue to share with many friends, even good friends and best friends. Alone despite your genuine happiness at times, despite your big family, despite being invited and being involved, despite spending most of your day with a smile on your face.  The alone that is found behind the smile, the alone that is your deep dark secret only you know about, the alone that reflects, causes, and represents the most extreme sadness and emptiness.

There is individuality, solitude, isolation, and being separated or disconnected.
Sometimes the line between the most extreme and genuine happiness and the deepest and darkest sadness is blurred.. and you are left, without any warning or preparation.. alone.
And, in the end, the worst place to be... is alone.

...what's left?

"just an opportunity to go out there and play basketball.
i've been playing this game for 10 years and
i've never had an opportunity to play basketball.
it was always, play one end of the floor.
and i think right now i just want to have the opportunity to play.

i have a lot of people telling me what i can and can't do--
don't tell me, give me the opportunity to do it.
if i can't do it, then i'll be the first to admit i can't do it."

-benwallace.3.bulls.

Jun 6, 06.  CAD,  Safeway.

i'm standing "on the line" (at the end of my checkstand to tell customers to come to my checkout since i have no customers, avoiding line-ups at other checkstands). old man is standing a few feet away with a jug of milk in his hands.

me: hi! are you ready to check out?  (he walks over to stand beside me..he's waiting for his wife to come with more groceries)

man: hi =) you kno, today is my 65th wedding anniversary and ...

me: oh! wow! happy anniversary!

man: thank you, but you know.. in 65 years of marriage, i've learned one very important word that i always keep in mind.. and that.. is patience. are you married?

me: what? nonono..haha..not married

man: well, you look like and nice young lady, and let me tell you, when you find a wonderful boy..just remember patience. with any of your friends too. you kno..you are going to have to be patient. things will happen but you know what? you love them..and the things are nothing. (waves his hand and shakes his head) just nothing...and you forget about those things, you can overlook them and you can get past any misfortune between you two..because the person is too important to you. (nods his head) patience...

me: =) thank you! i'll keep that in mind

man: i dont know where my wife is, (we both glance down the aisles) she was wearing a pink sweater and she is the most beautiful person i know. i love my her very much, the most wonderful woman. im lucky to have her and i love her..i can wait as long as she needs for her groceries...(nods his head)

me: =)!!

man: now you look like a nice young lady. i would imagine working for safeway is a great job. do you think so? good benefits?

me: oh yeah! its great! (what am i supposed to say? haha)

man: good good, that is good to hear. now that Enid (been around safeway for a long time, she does front end..kinda mean-ish..haha but all customers love her), she is great! i've never seen such a hard worker. and she's such a great example to all you younger people..she's just amazing.

me: oh i knooow. she's so good at what she does

another customer comes along..looking to check out.

me: hi! are you ready? ... ok, you can just go down checkstand 2! (to new customer)

man: well i will go wait for my wife, you do what you need to do.

me: ok, thank you! happy anniversary! hav a great day =)

  -- aaaaaaaaaaaanndd scene! --

that was near the beginning of my shift..customers got worse..but that was..that was good. juuuusssttt when i needed it too. i mean..i had a lot of thoughts goin on in my mind about things..people...things and people. wasn't in a very good mood..and wasn't looking forward to forcing happiness to all the customers for the rest of the day...but yeah. this old man..he was this tall, friendly..old man. he didn't smile, but you could tell he was on the inside..and he just loved to talk to the cashiers..a great guy. soo cute..he and his wife. i mean..i was watching out for when she came along and when she finally did, they went to the checkstand two behind me. and he had his arm around her the whole time..he looked at her like she really was the most beautiful person..he was soooo proud of her. soo cute.
what he said was in the back of my mind the whole day..and i think it'll stay there for a very long time.. 

rest of work sucked for the most part. if any of you reading this are a mean and impatient customer..im gonna hunt you down. i cant believe some people..i just...i can't. how can you just think about urself sooo much that u can't even...understand other ppl's struggles and be patient with them. and wouldn't you think that we are trying our best. its like some ppl actually believe that we screw ppl over and make them wait on purpose..people will ACTUALLY start screaming. screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of safeway cuz they get frustrated..and these are old..grown up people. yeah..way to be mature. omg.
i could go on forever...but..goodness gracious. 
things good about safeway..i've learned to treat customers and strangers well..even if i dont want to..but most importantly..i've learned to understand when other ppl are struggling..and to be patient with them..cuz any other day it could be me..and i would want others to be patient with me. i've learned to treat everyone better..other workers at different places i go to...ppl make mistakes...and instead of judging them ...automatically thinking they are new, or they dunno what they are doing...just deal with it...you would hate it if ppl did it to u...
and yes..ppl who work at restaurants or watever...its their job to serve you..but why would u make things harder.."oh..let just leave this here on the table instead of throwing it away on the way out...its their job anyways..thats what they get paid to do"...i hate that..if it wouldn't hurt you..or cause u that much effort ...why dont u just do it..ppl need to learn to put themselves in others' position and understand..thats one of the greatest things i've learned working at safeway...a valuable lesson.

ok im gonna stop..i work everyday..and when i dont...i vent about it..haha...not healthy..

//on a lighter note, hkin outings are soo much fun! yes im crazy...like acctually..specially with these kinners...haha...but they seem to laugh. i just go home everyday and think..and go...omg...i was such a loser. haha. but ppl laugh at my stupidity..and i luv to make ppl laugh..watever it takes right? lol anyways. i luv u aaalllll!! =)

[ another long entry..surprise surprise..haha ]